The Slimming World Saga - First Visit
Ok... So I've decided on a new route. It involves losing at least a third of my total body weight. Infinite wisdom can be a bitch sometimes... It made me join Slimming World.
So, Here's what I thought. I'll blog it! But not some boring "I weighed blah blah and now I weigh bla"... This is going to be like the Fat Fighters sketch in Little Britain.. only it's actually happening!
Here goes then...
Me and several other new members were ushered to a small circle of chairs in the corner of a big community centre, this 'new members circle' being much smaller than the 'regular members circle'. I thought "This can't be good... segregation at a weight loss class? Isn't that a bit wrong?" but it turned out it was just to fill in the rather miniscule membership forms, and receive a small pack containing a book of things I can eat, and a smaller book of things I can do while I'm not eating the things I'm allowed to eat in the first book.
All the while this was happening, people were walking in, going over to a woman sat behind a desk, getting weighed, then for some strange reason, as if to let you know there's a little less fat in the room, a bell is rung! I thought "Shit that's crazy! Why would you ring a bell to say you've lost some weight in one of your toes?"
Once all that had happened, we were ushered into the big circle. I resisted the temptation to say to the woman next to me "We've made it!", intead opting for the less attention-grabbing "This is strange..."
I sat down, and on the seat next to me was a laminated card with lots of pictures of alcohol on it. "This is getting better!" I thought, until the mandatory closer inspection happened and it was telling me how many sins (written as syns, but I'm not writing it like that because it's gay.) were in each drink. I made my first worthwhile discovery...
Sins are naughty points, which you can use to eat chocolate or drink beer. You get 15 sins a day (Lord no! I hear you shout, but I turn round and say "Shut up! You're no priest!").
You can save these up all week and spend them all at the weekend getting pissed. So if you save for 6 days, you'll have 90 sins to spend on beer. That will get you 9 pints of lager. "10 sins per pint?!?" I hear you wail. Yes. I was shocked myself. There is some good news. A shot of any spirit is only 2.5 sins! So instead of 9 pints I could have 36 shots of Vodka or Whisky! I could get a lot more drunk on that shit!
Anyway, the time came to go around the group shouting out what people had gained or lost. As it was my first week I was exempt from this. Cue poor old lady in conversation with group leader:
GL: So, you've put on a pound, What happened there love?
POL:Well, it was my birthday...
GL: Oh well I'll let you off then, did you have anything nice?
POL: Yes.
GL: Well..?
POL: Oh, I had a whole box of Quality Street to myself.
GL: Well, you're entitled to it... I'm still disappointed though..
I thought to myself "That's a bit patronising! the poor old lady's probably not had sweets all year, and the one time she does, she gets slaughtered for it!"
Then it came to my introduction. Now I normally don't go by 'Michael' but I let it slide just this once. She asked me how I found out about it. I wanted to say "I followed the fat people becasue I thought there'd be cake" but I thought better of it, and instead chose to say "My mum said it was good" Then I was asked of my downfall, which if you hadn't already guessed, I said it was alcohol.
I was invited to the AA meeting later that day.
Thank you and good night.
So, Here's what I thought. I'll blog it! But not some boring "I weighed blah blah and now I weigh bla"... This is going to be like the Fat Fighters sketch in Little Britain.. only it's actually happening!
Here goes then...
Me and several other new members were ushered to a small circle of chairs in the corner of a big community centre, this 'new members circle' being much smaller than the 'regular members circle'. I thought "This can't be good... segregation at a weight loss class? Isn't that a bit wrong?" but it turned out it was just to fill in the rather miniscule membership forms, and receive a small pack containing a book of things I can eat, and a smaller book of things I can do while I'm not eating the things I'm allowed to eat in the first book.
All the while this was happening, people were walking in, going over to a woman sat behind a desk, getting weighed, then for some strange reason, as if to let you know there's a little less fat in the room, a bell is rung! I thought "Shit that's crazy! Why would you ring a bell to say you've lost some weight in one of your toes?"
Once all that had happened, we were ushered into the big circle. I resisted the temptation to say to the woman next to me "We've made it!", intead opting for the less attention-grabbing "This is strange..."
I sat down, and on the seat next to me was a laminated card with lots of pictures of alcohol on it. "This is getting better!" I thought, until the mandatory closer inspection happened and it was telling me how many sins (written as syns, but I'm not writing it like that because it's gay.) were in each drink. I made my first worthwhile discovery...
Sins are naughty points, which you can use to eat chocolate or drink beer. You get 15 sins a day (Lord no! I hear you shout, but I turn round and say "Shut up! You're no priest!").
You can save these up all week and spend them all at the weekend getting pissed. So if you save for 6 days, you'll have 90 sins to spend on beer. That will get you 9 pints of lager. "10 sins per pint?!?" I hear you wail. Yes. I was shocked myself. There is some good news. A shot of any spirit is only 2.5 sins! So instead of 9 pints I could have 36 shots of Vodka or Whisky! I could get a lot more drunk on that shit!
Anyway, the time came to go around the group shouting out what people had gained or lost. As it was my first week I was exempt from this. Cue poor old lady in conversation with group leader:
GL: So, you've put on a pound, What happened there love?
POL:Well, it was my birthday...
GL: Oh well I'll let you off then, did you have anything nice?
POL: Yes.
GL: Well..?
POL: Oh, I had a whole box of Quality Street to myself.
GL: Well, you're entitled to it... I'm still disappointed though..
I thought to myself "That's a bit patronising! the poor old lady's probably not had sweets all year, and the one time she does, she gets slaughtered for it!"
Then it came to my introduction. Now I normally don't go by 'Michael' but I let it slide just this once. She asked me how I found out about it. I wanted to say "I followed the fat people becasue I thought there'd be cake" but I thought better of it, and instead chose to say "My mum said it was good" Then I was asked of my downfall, which if you hadn't already guessed, I said it was alcohol.
I was invited to the AA meeting later that day.
Thank you and good night.